Trusting Yourself: Part 1 of 10 - Building Trust and Intimacy in Relationships

Welcome to the first part of our 10-part series on building trust and intimacy in your relationships. In this series, we will explore various aspects of trust and intimacy and provide practical tips on how to cultivate them in your connections. In this first installment, we will delve into the importance of trusting yourself.

The Foundation of Trust

Trust serves as the bedrock of any healthy relationship, embodying confidence in someone's reliability, commitment to our well-being, and faithfulness to promises. You might have heard the adage, "You have to love yourself before you can love another," which similarly underscores the importance of self-trust before extending trust to others. While not a strict prerequisite, it highlights a crucial truth: our capacity to love and trust others is intertwined with our relationship with ourselves.

Recognizing Trust Issues

Research increasingly shows that "trust issues" are not only common but also arguably the new normal. Here are signs you may be grappling with trust in certain relationships:

• Difficulty Opening Up: Struggling to share thoughts and feelings, fearing judgment or betrayal.

• Suspiciousness: Constantly questioning others' intentions, even without evidence.

• Fear of Vulnerability: Avoiding emotional closeness due to fear of hurt.

• Difficulty Trusting Others: Struggling to trust even those closest, anticipating the worst.

• Overprotectiveness: Exerting excessive control or seeking constant reassurance.

• Avoidance of Intimacy: Fearing intimacy, preferring distance over deep connections.

• Past Trauma or Betrayal: Previous experiences leaving you wary of extending trust.

• Negative Outlook on Relationships: Viewing relationships through a lens of inevitable failure.

These experiences could signal underlying trust issues, stemming from factors like personality traits (i.e. agreeableness), past experiences, or specific relationship dynamics. Acknowledging and addressing trust issues is the first step toward healthier connections.

Self-Trust and Reflection

As we navigate the trust in our relationships, it's vital to recognize that while we can't control others, we hold the reins to our journey of self-trust. It's an inward voyage fueled by the question: Can we trust ourselves?

Here are some guiding questions to help guide us through our introspection:

• Do We Listen to Our Intuition?: How often do we heed the whispers of our inner voice, honoring its wisdom even when logic protests?

• Do We Honor Our Boundaries?: Are we adept at setting and upholding boundaries that safeguard our well-being, even in the face of external pressure or societal expectations?

• Do We Keep Our Promises?: Reflecting on our track record, do we follow through on commitments made to ourselves, treating promises to ourselves with the same reverence as those made to others?

• Do We Embrace Vulnerability?: Can we embrace vulnerability as a beacon of authenticity, viewing it not as a weakness but as a conduit for genuine connection and growth?

• Do We Practice Self-Compassion?: In moments of failure or setback, do we extend the hand of self-compassion, offering solace and support rather than harsh self-criticism?

Nurturing self-trust is a journey, not a destination. It requires tender care, patience, and a willingness to embrace vulnerability. Next, we will explore some ways to cultivate a deeper sense of trust within ourselves.

Developing Self-Awareness

Ah, self-awareness – an overly simplified term that is truly never finalized. It's like being the detective of our own minds, decoding our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors to uncover what makes us tick in relationships. Taking a breather to ponder our values, beliefs, and dreams is like giving ourselves a mental spa day, where we get to pamper our psyche and figure out what we're really after. So, grab your detective hat and magnifying glass, folks, because we're about to dive deep into the mystery of self-trust.

Now, let's talk about journaling. It's like having a therapy session with yourself, except you get to be both the therapist and the patient – talk about multitasking! Pouring our thoughts and feelings onto paper creates this magical realm where we can be totally honest with ourselves without judgment. It's like having a secret diary, but instead of writing about our crushes and embarrassing moments, we're dissecting our innermost thoughts and uncovering hidden truths.

Here are some journal prompts to kickstart your self-awareness journey:

1. Ever made a decision that left you scratching your head? Dive into the mystery of what influenced your choice – was it your gut feeling, your logical side, or maybe even that pesky little voice of doubt in your head?

2. Picture a moment where you felt like you were totally in sync with your values and beliefs. How did that make you feel, and how did it affect your trust in yourself?

3. We've all got that one relationship dynamic that's like a rollercoaster ride – full of twists, turns, and maybe even a few loops. Dive into the chaos and see what your thoughts and emotions have to say about trust and vulnerability.

4. Notice any recurring patterns in your relationships or behavior lately? Let's play detective and uncover what's really driving those patterns.

5. Remember that one time when you went with your gut and it turned out to be the best decision ever? Let's relive that moment and see what nuggets of wisdom we can extract to boost our self-trust.

6. Picture your dream relationship with yourself – you know, the one where you're your own biggest cheerleader and supporter. What does that look like, and how can you make it a reality?

And if journaling isn't your cup of tea, then fear not because there are other things on the menu! Take a gander at one of the following:

• Mindfulness Meditation: Take a breather and let your mind wander – it's like hitting the reset button for your brain.

• Self-Reflection Exercises: Grab a friend or a trusted confidant and dive into some deep, meaningful conversations about life, the universe, and everything in between.

• Gather Feedback: Ask for feedback from the people who know you best – just be prepared for some brutally honest truths (in a good way, of course).

• Body Scan Exercises: Take a moment to check in with your body and see what it's trying to tell you – trust me, your body knows more than you think.

• Creative Expression: Get artsy and let your creativity run wild – who knows what hidden gems you'll uncover when you let your imagination take the wheel?

So, whether you're scribbling away in your journal or getting artsy with some watercolors, remember that self-awareness is the key to unlocking the door to self-trust. So go ahead, dive in, and embrace the journey, maybe grab a friend or a trusted confidant and take them with you as you explore life, love, and everything in between.

Cultivating Self-Compassion

Self-compassion... such a popular topic nowadays (and for good reason). It's like giving ourselves a warm hug when we need it most, wrapping ourselves in a blanket of kindness and understanding. This thought used to make me gag, and it is still not something that comes naturally to me. We all know that life will throw us curveballs, and we're bound to make a few missteps along the way, but self-compassion is our secret weapon for navigating the rough patches with grace and resilience.

So, how do we flex our self-compassion muscles? It's all about treating ourselves like we would treat our best friend – with love, kindness, and a healthy dose of understanding. When we stumble and fall (metaphorically, of course), we don't berate ourselves or kick ourselves when we're down. Instead, we offer ourselves a helping hand and a reassuring pat on the back, knowing that we're doing the best we can with what we've got.

Here are some ways to sprinkle a little self-compassion into your daily routine:

1. Acknowledge Your Strengths and Weaknesses: Embrace the full spectrum of who you are – quirks, flaws, and all. Celebrate your wins and accept your shortcomings with open arms, knowing that they're all part of what makes you uniquely you.

2. Be Gentle with Yourself: Cut yourself some slack when things don't go according to plan. Remember that perfection is overrated, and it's okay to stumble along the way. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would extend to a friend in need.

3. Offer Support and Understanding: When the going gets tough, be your own biggest cheerleader. Offer yourself words of encouragement and support, knowing that you have what it takes to weather any storm that comes your way.

4. Embrace Imperfection: Let go of the need to be flawless and embrace your perfectly imperfect self. Remember that life is messy, and it's okay to embrace the chaos – it's all part of the journey.

5. Practice Radical Acceptance: Embrace the present moment as it is, flaws and all. Accept yourself exactly as you are, knowing that you are worthy of love and belonging just the way you are.

So, the next time life throws you a curveball, remember to reach for that warm blanket of self-compassion. Wrap yourself in its comforting embrace and know that you are worthy of love, kindness, and understanding – especially from yourself. And know that I am on the journey with you, self-compassion doesn't come easy for us all.

Building Self-Confidence

Raise your glass if you've ever found yourself belting out "Confident" by Demi Lovato, desperately trying to summon that inner powerhouse within you. We've all been there – grappling with self-doubt and struggling to muster the confidence to take on the world. It's a universal challenge, navigating the waters of self-assurance in a world that constantly bombards us with messages of inadequacy.

So, where do we begin on this journey to self-assurance? It all starts with setting some realistic goals and giving yourself a pat on the back for every step you take towards achieving them. Whether you're conquering Mount Everest or simply getting out of bed in the morning (which can feel like climbing Everest sometimes), celebrate those victories – big and small – like the rockstar you are.

Surround yourself with a tribe of cheerleaders who lift you up and remind you of your greatness when you start to doubt yourself. After all, who needs naysayers dragging them down when you've got a squad of supporters ready to lift you higher?

And let's not forget the importance of self-care in nurturing that self-confidence. Treat yourself like the VIP you are – eat well, exercise regularly, and make time for the things that light you up inside. After all, nothing boosts your confidence quite like feeling like a million bucks.

Now, let's talk about that pesky little voice inside your head – you know, the one that's always second-guessing your every move. It's time to give that negative self-talk a one-way ticket to the curb and replace it with some positive affirmations. Remind yourself of your past triumphs and strengths, and embrace the quirks that make you uniquely you. After all, confidence is all about owning who you are – flaws and all.

Conclusion

Through nurturing self-awareness, self-compassion, and self-confidence, you pave a path toward trusting your own instincts and judgments, forging deeper connections with others along the way. Remember, this journey is not a sprint but a marathon, requiring continual effort and introspection. There will be moments when you feel discouraged, and it is human to doubt your own abilities. Trusting yourself will help set you on a path where you choose relationships that continue to encourage its development. Conversely, when we lack self-trust, we may project that insecurity onto others. So, as we bid adieu for now, stay tuned for the next installment in our series, where we'll delve into the pivotal role of setting healthy boundaries.

References:

Bijlsma-Frankema, Katinka & Costa, Ana Cristina. (2005). Understanding the Trust-Control Nexus. International Sociology - INT SOCIOL. 20. 259-282. 10.1177/0268580905055477.

Hancock PA, Kessler TT, Kaplan AD, Stowers K, Brill JC, Billings DR, Schaefer KE, Szalma JL. How and why humans trust: A meta-analysis and elaborated model. Front Psychol. 2023 Mar 27;14:1081086. doi: 10.3389/fpsyg.2023.1081086. PMID: 37051611; PMCID: PMC10083508.

Stavrova, O., Evans, A. M., & van Beest, I. (2023). The Effects of Partner Extraversion and Agreeableness on Trust. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 49(7), 1028-1042. https://doi.org/10.1177/01461672221086768

https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2007/02/22/americans-and-social-trust-who-where-and-why/